because you need to call her

A quick Google search tells me that 25-40% of the population are introverts, which means that 60-75% of you may not relate to anything I’m about to say, but then again, maybe you will, because even amongst those extroverted ones are women who are overwhelmed with life whether it be from work, mommying, both mixed together, or the other seemingly endless array of things that fill up our day, leaving us exhausted at the end, without mental space or literal time to commune with another in a relaxed fashion.

But, still, my instagram feed is filled with “friends” who always seem to be together. They’re hanging out, going to dinner, going on trips, sitting on their porches, and just being. I’m envious, yep I said it, envious. Confession must come before repentance, right? Is that really just a natural part of other’s lives? Do they not mentally weigh out all the pros and cons of their to-do list versus social needs versus underlying insecurities before planning a simple meet up with a friend? What must that be like? My world may never know.

I realize we are living in a state of social confusion where we are never sure of if you can get together, who can get together, where can you get together, what will people think if you do get together, and so on. But if I’m being honest, sometimes that is used more as an excuse not to have to break out of my comfort zone of requirements first, fun later.

Complete transparency coming right now, be prepared. At least once a month I go through a day or two (or more) period of assuming I have no friends. There’s a chance this feeling is intertwined with other monthly happenings, but regardless of why it’s there, it’s still there. For YEARS I never told a soul. I just lived in 48 plus hours of doubt and turmoil that no one indeed really did like me, they were just all good pretenders who did not want to hurt my feelings, but didn’t really know how to rid themselves of my presence. Hopefully, your response equals that of my husband’s which lovingly comes with a head tilt and an eye roll and the reassuring, “Sarah, people love you!” after I finally confessed to why I was occasionally a mopey, pitiful person. Thankfully, this confession was also eventually told to another friend who immediately shared that she does the same thing and now we just text each other “I feel like I have no friends,” when that feeling hits.

You see, when you are an introverted person, you embody the most wonderful characteristics of compassion and thoughtfulness and loads of others meant to make you skilled at intimate relationship and an encouraging demeanor, but mixed in can be the acts of avoidance, insecurity, and/or guilt because of the desire to be alone paired with the desire not to hurt another’s feelings. Add in the need to be invited places without the desire to actually go to the places you’ve been invited because of the stress and self doubt that will accompany your every thought beforehand as you worry over what you will say and how stupid you will sound when you say it, and you have yourself a real party animal, if that animal was a donkey, and that donkey was named Eeyore.

Recently, I was asked how my friendships were going by a person who understands the ups and downs of my past friend relationships and my great desire to have a core group of ladies that I get to see on the regular to share life like I have had in the past. I’m ashamed to say my mind went almost blank and a stream of excuse ridden, unintelligible words lacking any kind of confidence kept coming out. I could blame it on the late hour in which the conversation took place or the fact that no Friday evening after a long week should be used for deep retrospection, but I was bothered that I didn’t have a strong answer, or almost any answer that didn’t seem lost in excuses. I mean I have friends, I know I do, so why was I so stuck? Life catches up with you, and even though I have friends, the current world in which we live, the moving of churches, the moving of friends, the starting of full-time jobs, the having of children, the growing up of children, and a whole host of other reasons (read excuses) has left a lot of those without the ender loving care that comes from continuous conversation and physical connection. Aka, being in the same place at the same time and just talking! And in that moment, I had my fill of it, and knew something needed to be done.

You see, when you don’t see a friend, you start to miss that friend, then you just start living without that friend, then you start missing that friend again, but then you start to think that that friend does not want to see you because if they did they would have called or texted, so then you don’t want to make them feel bad for not calling or texting, and you don’t want to put them in the place where they have to call or text you since obviously they haven’t wanted to or they would have, so then you start believing that you no longer have that friend, so you try to start living again without that friend, and so on and so on and so on. Have you ever gotten stuck in this thought cycle? Have you ever thought that the friend in question might be stuck in it too?

There’s a relationship theory created by John Gottman that says there needs to be a 5:1 ratio of positive experiences to negative ones for a relationship to be strong. While he is specifically referring to marriage, that does not mean this same numerical code can’t work for all of our other relationships as well. News flash, I’m looking at you, Sarah, if you don’t have any experiences it is hard to keep that positive side of the number partnership going up.

So here’s my brilliant and mind blowing advice to us all. Call her. Call your friend.

We are meant to live in community, to have the iron of another sharpen our own. We are told in Hebrews 10:24 not to give up gathering together for the purpose of encouragement. We are told to be the body of Christ, but it’s kind of hard to do that if you are the elbow and your friend is the knee cap and you aren’t ever near each other.

I’m tired of getting mentally stuck in the cursed friendship thought cycle. I’m tired of assuming of others what I know isn’t true about myself. Friends love at all times, and all of us get stuck, and it only takes one moment to release the glue.

I sat, not 12 hours later, across the table from a dear friend who I have known for almost a decade that lives five minutes away, but that I hadn’t seen in months. She was a victim of my mental friendship cycle and just a quick text brought us together on a Saturday morning over tea and scones (we’re both kind of obsessed with all things British) and caught up on life as if no time had gone by and it was glorious. It was another grace filled reminder from God that my thoughts are not his thoughts, and my ways are very much lacking compared to his ways.

I’m still gonna battle envy as I see groups of carefree smiling people who I imagine spend every day of their lives feeling overwhelmed with the millions of friends they have, but I’m also gonna remember that if these are feelings that I have, surely they are in another as well, so I’m gonna keep stepping out and text and call to break down the cycle for myself and hopefully the one weighing down on another as well.

Praying for you friend whether you share these thoughts or not. Praying for your friendships to grow in love and encouragement and lead you both to understanding better the steadfast love of God. Pray for me.