because we're not listening part 2: three reasons we don't listen

Hey, Listen!  No, I’m not trying to get your attention.  I’m trying to give a command.  Listen! 

This is the reminder being given to me lately, the words slowing entering my soul telling me of my job as one of God’s children.  I am placed in this time and in this place for many a reason, but one in particular that keeps coming back again and again is the request of me to listen.  To model that skill, to create a domino effect of others exercising that skill, to show how God brings peace in the midst of chaos through that one tiny, but not so tiny, act.  Listening.

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger; James 1:19

Identifying is the first step, right?  Admit you have the problem.  Last week there was acceptance, well hopefully there was acceptance, but if nothing else there was an introduction and perhaps some acknowledgement.  The majority of us suck at listening. Maybe not all the time, but there's definitely a disconnect. There is a need to hone this skill, for the betterment of ourselves, for the needs of others, but most importantly so that God can work in us and through us showing Himself more through our changed dispositions.

My husband's family loves home videos and they have a ton of them.  There are a few well known ones, the May top tenish, you could say. There's one where my cutie little hubs as a five year old is planning for his future and saving up for a washing machine, there's another when the oldest girl is frantically coloring a picture to convince her mom that she's not done, and then there is this one, a daughter finally losing her cool as her mother is telling her to listen to what she is saying by screaming "Don't Say Whisten!!!"

I love the way children express the feelings we all occasionally have without the worry of social etiquette.  Yes, it can be mortifying when your child throws a massive tantrum over something, but if you let honesty rule your thoughts, you know you've wanted to do the same thing.  You want to just lose it, instead of maturely handling it, whatever "it" is. As adults we tend to go the opposite way and just stuff our feelings down and ignore them completely.  Like with most situations, there is a middle ground in there that proves to be a much better way, but I digress.

When you are being entrusted with information from another who is in desperate need of being listened to or you are being spoken to (i.e. being corrected by, given advice, etc) there are reasons we don't listen and they all, after following the root down to the tip, can be narrowed back to self.  Noble intentions or not, purposeful ignoring or not, our inabilities to listen come from a sinful self inside, one we need deal with and dig out so that our hearts and ears can be used for each other. While not an exhaustive list, as each of these could be expanded under through many a graphic organizer, here are three reasons we do not listen.

Reason #1: We are too worried about what to say

As a somewhat introverted being, small talk is painful.  Not because I do not enjoy conversing with other people, quite the contrary actually, but because I can feel that desperate desire to not saying anything stupid rising quickly inside me when the listening part of said conversation happens.  You know those movies where they mock the person going out on a date carrying note cards listing possible conversation topics, that's me, just not quite as literally. Note cards or not, there is a mini pep talk that happens before entering a social situation that may or may not include brainstorming topics that can be brought up if necessary when the silence between speaking crosses the awkward line.

Planning is an intelligent step when you are aware of your own weaknesses in certain areas, however, it's when that concentration on self effects your ability to be present for another that causes the problem.

A mind-blowing, life changing, wisdom-filled response is usually very low on the list of desires from the one in front of you speaking the words.  What they really need is just a listening ear, a welcoming heart, and a safe place to speak their words into.  When we are worried about what we are going to say we make the issue about us.  Be quick to listen friends, slow to speak.

Reason #2: We think we already know what they are going to say

There's an Andy Griffith episode where Barney doesn't do a good job of listening.  Ok, so maybe in every episode Barney doesn't do a good job of listening. But, in this particular one, Opie is granted three wishes by a Count that Barney believes his conjured up from the great beyond and believe or not causes great confusion and stress in the lives of everyone when he assumes he knows what Opie is going to wish for on his third and final wish.  Yes, Andy and Helen should have gotten married long ago, but whatever, that's the topic for another conversation.

We like to think we are completely in tune with those we are close to.  We like to think we know their thoughts before they do. We like to think "we can finish each other's sandwiches.:--kudos to you if you get that quote--  Because if we already know what they are thinking, if we already know what they are going to say it proves that we love them and know them, however it can also prove that we don't listen.

There is a time for silence and a time speak so says Ecclesiastes and The Byrds.  Interrupting another before they finish their thought, assuming another's meaning before they get the word out is not the way of love.  Look at them, wait for them, listen to them. Even if we think we already know what they are going to say, maybe they don't.  Maybe the forming of those words in their heart and the escape of them through their mouth to the listening ear is all the clarity they need for a healing process to begin.

Reason #3: We don't understand the importance of being heard

Three boys live in this household.  Three gifts from God with drastically different personalities and very similar hair color.  All of them need to be heard, all of them have words to speak, but one in particular desperately just wants to make sure you listen to him.  If it's about the dream he had the night before, the conversation he had with his friend on the bus, or the desperate plea of injustice he thinks is being carried out in his personal parented life He just wants you to let him finish his sentence.

"You're not listening to me!" is spoken loudly in completely exasperation quite frequently.  As frustrating as it is to hear constantly when it feels like the real problem is that he is the one not listening first, there is a need to stop and model that listening skill.  Let him get his words out, even when it feels like a frantic attempt to justify actions or distract you from your point.

Our words will not fall on vacant ears and the words of another cannot truly penetrate us for the same reasons, no matter how much we feel as if we should be able to speak first.  There is a time to be right, there is a time to give instruction, but there is also a time to make sure the person you are needing to connect with will listen to you and the best way to do that is to listen to them first.  Show them their words matter. Show them you understand the importance of being heard.

Psalm 141:3 Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!

This is my prayer, that the Lord would guard our mouths and open our ears, that first we will understand what keeps us from listening so that we can move on to what it takes to listen well. Pray for me.

This is not going to be solved today,  It can’t all even be explained today, this importance of listening and the reasons we aren’t quite the best at it.  Because of that, for the next several Happy Wednesdays I will be unpacking this idea and processing through why we don’t listen, what things are crucial in our lives to be good listeners, what we learn when we do listen, and what we are able to do after our listening skills are honed.

For part one in this series follow this link.  If you want to make sure you don’t miss the next in the series of listening, please scroll down to the bottom of this site and subscribe to get the posts emailed to you each week.